Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
