He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
