My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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