She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
