1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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