Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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