I should be sponsored by Trojan
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think my moral compass just broke
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