if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
