1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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