Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
