Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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