Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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