Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
