he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
