this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
