I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my shit smells like andre
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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