He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize