Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize