I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
