Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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