I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
