why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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