Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
