he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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