dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
