when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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