You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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