I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
