Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize