i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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