all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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