You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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