I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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