ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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