2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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