glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
