Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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