..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
