Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its liver damage thursday
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
