Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
