it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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