There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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