I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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