who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize