chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
