I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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