so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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