I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
