god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
