Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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