If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He passed out mid-signature
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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