I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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