You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
