So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
