I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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