someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
They have beer where we have blood.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
