omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
