Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize